パーティの毒

パーティの毒

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I will never let my non-existant OTP die.
EVER.

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I don’t really know if I can put into words just how much this guy means to me. It’s a little weird and sometimes I actually feel really awful being so invested in someone I’ll probably never even meet. Someone who doesn’t even know that I exist. And people have their own opinions of me when they see me talk about him or even the band. How passionate I am about it. They either call me a fan girl or try to “politely” point out that I can’t be so involved or sometimes, in the most extreme cases “in love” with someone I never met, although I never said I was “in love” with him, but it’s funny that I would convey such conviction and emotion just by talking about someone that they would use such a poignant word or come to such a loaded conclusion.
I myself would never say I’m “in love” with him or anyone else I’ve never even had a conversation with because I realize the irrationality in that. I can be in love with the idea of him but never him himself because I don’t know him. To be honest, I don’t even think it’s that either…..But there’s something. The undeniable human urge to connect with something or someone when you’re at your at worst in whatever way you can, just to feel human again. Whether it be a song, a movie, a band, a family member, a friend, a book, a poem…..Anything. When you’re out on a limb and your barely hanging on and your grasping in your head for reasons not to let go because you’re tired but you don’t want to fall. Consciously you know that falling would be bad, not just regular bad but the worst of the worst. You know that if you were to really fall, to let go it would all be over. That would be it. Splat. The end, and more of you wants that but there’s this tiny part that wants so desperately to see what is just a little further up if you can climb but you need something. Just a little push. And while you’re just flailing up there, nothing solid beneath you, desperately searching for that something, this thing or these words or this someone comes along, you can relate and it fills you with this strength you didn’t know you had, or maybe you did and whatever it was you found just awoke it within you. It stirred a pot that was long stagnant and forgotten. Hands, you feel hands giving you that little boost, that push and you know that you have that something or someone.
You feel comforted knowing that there is something out there you can relate too, someone. And as your climbing up from that frayed and broken branch, reaching a little further to get to the top you’re constantly pulling from that source and it’s something that you really have to think about before you realize what that something is. Hope. It’s really amazing how someone can have such a reach or impact, by singing, dancing, writing, creating….Whatever it is that someone is doing. They reach down into themselves to share of themselves with you, probably unknowingly just how much of an impact something so simple can have. In reality they aren’t doing anything that isn’t already engrained in themselves. These things come so naturally to those sorts of people. You don’t have to love or idolize them to recognize the impact they’ve made, either accidentally or purposefully. But it’s hard not care when someone’s shared with you…The world so freely.
That’s why I feel the way I do about this man…..This band. Because to me they are one of the many embodiments of hope. They are far from perfect, they have made and continue to make so many mistakes, say and do things I don’t agree with, some things that actually make me angry or upset. But I like that too, they’re human. They are just five men I’ve watched grow over the years. Change, evolve, conquer, crash, burn, make mistakes, rise, love…..They are under this microscope and they live their lives that way because they have such a passion for what they do. To create and build and encourage. They do it for themselves but they do it with the knowledge that there is this undeniable weight on their shoulders, but even with that they have the strength and courage to lead by doing the one thing that every human really strives to be in the end…..Themselves. That is way they give so many people hope. Because beneath the costumes and the make up and the hair dye, that’s all they’ve ever been. That’s all they ever will be. And if they can do it, anyone can. They remind us all the time of what we can be with the tools that are always available to us if we really try. Determination, passion, sacrifice, hard work. We can’t be afraid of ourselves and who we could be in the future. We have to embrace it, take it and run with it. We’re capable of anything, just like they are. This is what they mean….What they embody and convey to me.
So the next time someone calls me, obsessed, a fan girl, delusional, a blind devotee, If someone comes across this writing and doesn’t understand, if that’s truly all they take away from this, I’ll take it and wear it with pride. If hope means being called such trivial and throw away terms, I’ll take it. Because I’m not afraid. This man, this band has taught me that it’s okay…In the end, everything will be okay.